


Price to pay

by DetroitTulip



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Crying, Depression, I’m sorry guys, M/M, Poor Connor, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21697759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetroitTulip/pseuds/DetroitTulip
Summary: Android shook his head slightly. “I don’t understand,” he said honestly, tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, lips were shaking. He stopped imitating the breathing. “Alcohol doesn’t justify cheating. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were fucking someone else!” voice cracked on the last words.This disgusting feeling filled him, mixed with the thirium and carried the pain through the tubes in his body. Tears streamed down his cheeks and dripped onto his fingers which clutched the blanket. So cold and unpleasant, he wanted to get up, get dressed and leave right now. Looking at the man was beyond his strength, but Connor still tormented himself, not taking his eyes off of confused and ashamed Anderson, who had no idea what to say or to do.How to fix it and if he even could.
Relationships: Hank Anderson/Connor
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	Price to pay

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a really bad mood so I wanted to write something painful. I believe Hank would never cheat on his precious android. But who knows, we’re all people with our mistakes and weaknesses.  
> I dunno if cheating can trigger someone but if it can better close this work.  
> Anyway, enjoy.

_Why._

The only question Connor hadn’t asked him. Chocked with his words, tears, run away to hide his pain because he didn’t trust Hank anymore. Didn’t trust his emotions, his feelings, his words. Why? What would he say? Because he was drunk. Depressed. Because it was easy. Easy not to think. Easy to say yes to some stranger who said he could take your pain away. Help to forget when alcohol became useless and only burned your throat. 

Yes, it was just easy to forget he had someone home.

Connor made an effort not to start crying again. It was in the past, all in the past now. Now he is sitting on a couch, spinning a coin in his hands, staring at the wall. There were photos. Not much but those which they wanted to see everyday. They made them happy, remind how lucky they’re to have this life and each other. There were photos of Sumo, of Connor, of young Hank and Cole together. The best one though in Connor’s opinion was the one where they were together on a beach in LA. It had been their first summer together. They looked so happy, careless, so in love.

_“Connor please don’t do this to me!” Hank grunted._

_“But Lieutenant, I assure you, you’ll look great tanned,” Connor grinned helping to take the shirt off and left a light kiss on man’s lips. Oh he looked so good without it the android took some photos for his private collection. If only Hank could see himself in Connor’s eyes._

Android stood up. Not the time for nostalgia. Although it was hard when every corner of your house kept some memories and when you can play record of them whenever you want. Connor said himself to stop. He only making it worse. Making it harder to leave, to let go. He sighed and headed to the bathroom. He had to pack his bag and to cool down a bit even if it didn’t make sense ‘cause he’s an android and can’t really get tired. It’s kind of a habit or so. Whatever would make him stop thinking and analyzing and remembering just for a second was good.

But it didn’t help.

Connor splashed water in his face a few times, then looked in the mirror. He looked perfect, always tried to, but his eyes showed his distress and desperation. If he was human, they’d be red from tears. Android took a quick look on colorful stickers all around the mirror. “U look great today”, “Love ya”, “Yes, you shave!”, “On your worst days you’ll always have me” and other sentimental words which meant nothing anymore. It was all lie. Stupid childish dreams.

_“Oh, come on, that’s so cute!” Connor laughed when he first saw Hank writing on those stickers. The man blushed and crumpled them in his first._

_“It’s dumb though my doc decided it’d help somehow. As if my life isn’t a joke enough,” he said sarcastically and then tried to throw stickers but Connor blocked the way._

_“No, that’s not! Statistically speaking, positive outlook really have a great impact on mental and physical health. So these kind words do help you”_

_“Yeah, right, that’s why I’m a drunk depressed old ass with suicidal thoughts,” he rolled his eyes. It started to become kinda disappointing. Reminding again that he would never be good enough for this pretty boy fuckin’ hurts. Better to finish this conversation and have some whiskey. That’s the plan._

_“That’s just... because you don’t mean it. You don’t write it sincerely. Let me do that instead! You can write some to me, too, if you wish” Connor offered and quickly took empty stickers. He wrote “You matter” and put it on the mirror. “Here. It’d certainly help, Lieutenant, I promise,” he smiled shyly and gave a pen to Hank._

_The man looked at it for a moment and then chuckled with amusement._

_“What’ve I done to deserve you, hah?” he smiled back and ruffled Connor’s hair._

_“Well, you tried to kill me. It was very impressive and bold...”_

_“Oh shut up, smart ass! I’d never.”_

**Enough!**

Connor hysterically started to tear off notes with shaking hands and throw them in the trash until the mirror was clean. He set on the floor, hugging his knees. No, he wouldn’t cry again, not today. Today’s the day of his new life. He should pack things, take a taxi to Markus’, he’s waiting already, and then change the police department, maybe the city even. He might live in New York, he knew some androids there. Or somewhere in a countryside, have a farm, a dog, plant beautiful flowers and fruits to sell them. Have nice neighbors. Find new love of his life.

This thought made him sick.

He stood, put all his items in the bag and headed to the kitchen. Sumo slept just like his owner. Connor was careful not to awake the poor dog. It’d be heartbreaking to say goodbye but he couldn’t take Sumo with himself. Hank needed someone to keep him company. To wake in the morning and go to work. Connor didn’t want his lover to start playing Russian roulette again. He’d win eventually. Android opened the drawer where the revolver was kept. It still was loaded with one bullet but it wasn’t used for years. 

_“You saved me, kid”_

_They were sitting on the table, both slightly drunk after the Christmas party. Connor tried blue alcohol for the first time and it was quite an interesting experience. He was relaxed, thoughtless and a bit flirty._

_“‘S not true, Hank”_

_“Yeah it is. Look, if ‘s not you, I’d win this game. My old washed-up body would be there, on the floor”_

_“No!” Connor suddenly became scared imagining Hank’s dead. “Promise you will live! I don’t want you on the floor!” He exclaimed and tightly hugged the man._

_Hank hoarsely laughed and squeezed him lightly. God knows if he was drunk enough he’d kissed the top of Con’s head. But he wasn’t and maybe that’s good he wouldn’t fuck up their friendship. That’s what he thought._

_“‘Kay, okay, I promise I won’t lay hands on myself while you stick to me”_

_What he meant was “I’ll live for you” which was the hardest thing for him to promise but he wanted to try for these beautiful hopeful eyes and that light warm smile which he wanted to kiss so bad he’d live for that million goddamn lives._

_“Then I’ll have to do it for eternity or so,” Connor winked._

_“You mean for 5 more years until my liver give up?”_

Click. Click. Click.

Nothing. Of course, he took away the bullet, what was he waiting for? But it was some kind of miserable fun to try a few times to shoot yourself right in the pulsing red LED. Connor never wanted to commit suicide and even now when he was broken and resentful. He always had some reasons to live, he had ambitions, friends, dreams. But right now he was hearing that click again and again and thinking that Hank heard it a dozen of times. That’s horrible, the thought how much times Connor could lose him. And that was so stupid how he actually lost him. 

At least Hank was alive. 

Connor hid the revolver under the fridge just in case. 

Another five minutes went in complete silence while Connor was packing his things. He zipped his bag and took a deep breath when all was done. He’d also like to take his favorite hoody but it’s in the bedroom where Hank’s sleeping. Connor felt he wouldn’t leave if he saw him one more time. If he remembered their first kiss on the bed when Anderson was yelling at android because of some injury and was so worried that Connor just couldn’t resist. Their fist “I love you”, so sleepy and casual after their mouth anniversary. Their rough, and hot, and filthy, and loud... or their loving, slow, appreciating, sweet sex. All the phrases, all the touches were buried in their bedroom now. 

And something else.

_Hank was obviously drinking the whole night after their fight but already sobered. It was 4 a.m and Connor woke up from stasis to find the man standing near the bed, looking at it as if he was afraid to lay. His face was gloomy, eyes upset, apologetic even. Hands were shaking and he crossed them as if he tried to defense himself._

_Connor turned on the light._

_“Hank? Come to bed, it’s fine”._

_He thought Hank was still mad because of their argument. It’s about his drinking habits which became stronger as the fall started. He went to bar almost every evening and Connor was so exhausted with both work and his lover he told him straight it’s enough. He should go to therapy as Connor couldn’t help him and was so tired of being permanently worried how’s Hank and checking his vitals. Android was afraid Anderson was going to have another accident or his health would get worse and he’d get to hospital. Hank was ignoring Connors words, then cursing, yelling, making the situation worse. They hadn’t talked for days sometimes and then had quarrels again._

_Hank was sure he was fine. He just needed time so he could get rid of this habit. Didn’t need any help. Could control himself._

_The man never was so wrong in his life._

_“Yeah, Connor...” he whispered and took a deep breath. Hank stepped into the light and tried to quickly took off his shoes and hide under the covers but Connor was faster to analyze bruises on lover’s neck._

_He glitched. His LED went red. He stuttered._

_“W-w-what the hell?” his voice mechanical._

_He needn’t know actually, he already reconstructed several scenarios. Each of them made him want to cry, scream and not to see Hank right now._

_“Connor, listen, just let me explain!” Anderson moved closer to his lover but Connor reacted in no time - he rushed to another corner of the bed and hid almost all his body under the covers so Anderson couldn’t touch him. At the moment android found Hank dirty, disgusting. He was claimed by someone else’s hands and lips. He’s a stranger now. Connor didn’t felt safe to sit naked near him, couldn’t trust him._

_“Explain what? You slept with someone, didn’t you?”_

_He wished to hear “no”. Even if it’s a lie, he’d accept it immediately without checking Hank’s heart rate and forget about it like about any nightmare. Still Anderson was honest as he thought it’d be fair to Connor to know and to have a choice to leave. He already felt terribly guilty, couldn’t put more weight on his shoulders._

_“Yes,” he simply answered, lowering his head. Couldn’t see the look on his lover’s face, his pain. “That didn’t mean anything, I promise, honey,” Hank continued after few minutes. Connor remained silent and only his LED was blinking dangerously fast. “I was drunk. I’m so sorry”._

_Android shook his head slightly. “I don’t understand,” he said honestly, tears gathered in the corners of his eyes, lips were shaking. He stopped imitating the breathing. “Alcohol doesn’t justify cheating. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were fucking someone else!” voice cracked on the last words._

_This disgusting feeling filled him, mixed with the tirium and carried the pain through the tubes in his body. Tears streamed down his cheeks and dripped onto his fingers which clutched the blanket. So cold and unpleasant, he wanted to get up, get dressed and leave right now. Looking at the man was beyond his strength, but Connor still tormented himself, not taking his eyes off confused and ashamed Anderson, who had no idea what to say or to do. How to fix it and if he even could._

_Connor bit his cheek and tried to stand up, still holding the blanket. His legs were numb, thirium pump worked so fast he was afraid it’d break. Wished at the same time. Android made a few steps and took his sweater and jeans, wearing them as fast as he could. The only thought was in his mind - out of here. Hank didn’t need him anymore, didn’t love him. He made his choice today._

_But then he met his lover’s eyes. Clear blue filled with sadness and regret. Connor made an effort to give it a chance._

_“Did you sleep with them?”_

_Maybe if that was just some drunk make out he could forgive it. It’d be painful, it’d still break his heart and still tearing him apart every time they touch but that was something he could accept._

_“I’m sorry, Connor, really am,” Hank whispered. He looked Connor right in the eyes and begged. “Please, I love you. You know I do”._

_That’s pathetic but the man didn’t care. Right now he was ready to get on his knees and cry asking Connor not to leave him. Connor was his whole world, the most precious thing, the only sunshine since Cole left. He loved him more than anything, enough to stay alive that long without even thinking of suicide. He made him want to live again. To hang out with old friends and find new ones, to do his job perfectly well again, to take care of himself and look as handsome as he could. That was all because of him and for him. Connor made him happy and deserved to be too._

_And now it was all gone because some dumb mistake. As always fucked up the best things in his miserable life._

_“Lieutenant, please, leave me alone,” Connor said bitterly._

_He headed out of the room ignoring Hank’s questions._

Android felt the tears streaming down his cheeks and chin. It still hurt, maybe always would. No matter how far he’s, no matter how much time had gone, he’d always remember the man he loved so much he deviated and joined the revolution to fight his owners. To be free. Free with Hank. Even if he’d be with someone else, he’d know who was his first true love. He’d never love someone enough to forget. And when Hank dies... Maybe in years or in a week. Connor would think of all the time they hadn’t spent, all the moments they hadn’t shared. He’d remember their love alone. 

That was worse then suicide. Connor thought, and thought, and _thought_ about all the things that could happen to Hank and to himself, about all the paths that would eventually lead to the misery and unhappiness, about that beautiful blue eyes loosing their brightness slowly because of him, or about Hank finding someone else and love him so much stronger than Connor, someone human maybe, and telling him about some pathetic robot that wasn’t enough. **Wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough, wasntenough!**

When Connor regained consciousness, he was wailing on the floor, Sumo near him whining and trying to woke him up and Hank who was running to him from the corridor, scared and shocked. He got on his knees near the android.

“Oh, god! Connor, honey,” he said gently and slowly, as if he was afraid to touch, taking him in his hands, head on his laps.

Connor wanted to back off but felt the warmth and heard man’s heart rate. Alive and with him. Android wrapped his arms around Hank’s waist and buried his nose in his belly taking deep breaths. Anderson wasn’t prepared for that after days of silence and cold glances so he didn’t say anything else, just started carefully caressing android’s back.

“I hate the way you make me feel,” Connor whispered, clutching man’s t-shirt. His LED wasn’t spinning, staying red. Exhausted emotionally and physically. Tired of crying and running away. Scared of loosing his lover, of not being worthy. He never felt so much negative emotions in his life.

“I wish I could change everything. Ease your pain at least,” Hank said and lowered to kiss the top of Connor’s head. He hoped he was allowed to.

“ _Why_?” Android finally asked. “What I’ve done wrong?”

Hank looked surprised. He stopped caressing and took Connor’s face in his hands instead to look him in the eyes. They were dim, colorless, so humanly tired. 

“That wasn’t your fault. I was a fuckin’ idiot. I don’t know what I was thinking only that I was drunk as hell. I promise you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re the best that happened to me since Cole. I don’t deserve you”, he looked at the bag and then at the empty shelves. He knew Connor wanted to leave but didn’t know it was today. Well...

“Come on, I can give you a ride to Markus,” Hank wanted to stand up but Connor hugged him even tighter and he stopped. “Connor?”

He wished he could leave right now more that anything but knew it was impossible. He’d return sooner or later. So what's the difference? Live with permanent pain and all the memories alone or with the man who hurt him so much but loved? It’d get easier, Connor told himself, wounds would heal. Lie. He’d always see the bruises on Hank’s neck even though they disappeared, always knew the man wasn’t his anymore. Not completely. 

Still that was the price of living with someone he loved. So he made his choice.

“Shut up,” he whispered and closed his eyes not to see his pride dying.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, I’d be glad to read your opinions on that work.  
> Btw I started twitter and will post there some threads so if you’re interested to follow it’s @amazing_tulip  
> Have a nice whatever, sunshines <3


End file.
